Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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