the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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