he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I want a musical about memes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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