the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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