Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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