I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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