I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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