Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
