i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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