If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
