There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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