Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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