dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
