I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
