I can text with my tongue
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
