I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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