You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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