she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Im part way to drunk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
