I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
