I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
