so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
