i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
