Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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