my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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