Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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