my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
