i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
