remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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