the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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