The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
