Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we're making bets on your personal life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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