Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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