I am midnight drunk by noon
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
