I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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