just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
