stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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