Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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