you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
