dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
