I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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