I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
