who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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