I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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