Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
