I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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