I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
