I accidentally had phone sex last night
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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