I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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