Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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