I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
