I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
