I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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