Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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